Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
