I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
