Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
