I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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