First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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