Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
