No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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