i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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