So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
In other news, I just burned my penis
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
