wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
