my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I need a beard to bite.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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