well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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