Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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