Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday

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(941): View more from Florida

I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now

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(817): View more from Texas

Do you have any booze?

(214): View more from Texas

Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...

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(303): View more from Colorado

I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.

(505): View more from New Mexico

But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess

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(317): View more from Indiana

Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.

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(831): View more from California

When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.

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