my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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