evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
