I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
