i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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