I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
