Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
