the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
