I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
