Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
pray to the hookup gods
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
