I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
