Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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