You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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