So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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