He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize