she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
