I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
