so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Randomize