We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
