dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
