I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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