I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
