We won't sleep together?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We have started to decorate penises.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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