"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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