doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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