my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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