My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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