Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
