My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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