hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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