her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
