I think I won the penis lottery.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
