dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
