i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
