is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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