If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
