Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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