Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
