And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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