and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
