I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
