I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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