Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
