Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
