Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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