You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
