my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
