At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
